Why Tony and Loki Should Not Be Left To Their Own Devices
by Austin and Ally Go 1 Direction
Summary: A one-shot that I wrote many years ago, featuring our favourite Billionaire and Reindeer Games, with Bruce as an unwitting mediater. Oh, and a snowball fight of course. Because that's just how things roll apparently.


**Ok, so I was digging through some old folders of mine, and I ran across this. I wrote it in eleventh grade for a humour project, and kind of forgot about it. Obviously it's WAY AU now, but if you pretend the MCU stopped after Avengers (Which was when I wrote the thing), then it'll make some sense.**

 **Also, it may or may not have been heavily inspired by a certain Jaguar commercial, from so many years ago…**

 **As always I own nothing.**

 **Hope you enjoy!**

 **-AAG1D**

 **/**

"I'm serious Tony."

"Aye aye, Captain," Tony answered mock-seriously, grabbing his favourite whiskey bottle off of the counter, pulling the cork, and taking a swig straight from the container before leaning lazily against the counter in his nonchalant sort of way. "I got the situation under control Patchy."

Fury glared at Tony, but turned silently to the god who was currently lounging like a cat on Tony's Plume Blanche Diamond Encrusted Designer Sofa. He had an all too innocent smile on his face for Fury's liking, his jade eyes sharp.

"Remember Loki," Fury drawled. "Any funny business and-"

"Back to Therapy," The god drawled in amusement as he stared languidly at Fury. "I've already heard the lecture. And besides. I'm out on good behaviour, aren't I? Doctor decided it and everything."

"Yes, well," Fury glared at him with his one eye. "I tend to ignore stupid-ass decisions generally. Unfortunately, Mr. Stark here has convinced me otherwise. But don't forget," The Director threatened. "I have my eye on you."

He left in a flourish of black leather tailcoat.

"Man, is that Fury's only line?" Tony cocked a brow, taking another swig of the burning whiskey. Loki simply raised his eyes in question at the man.

"Isn't it a little early for drink?"

Tony grinned. "Yeah," He said, gulping down another mouthful. "But Pepper's in a meeting, so she ain't gonna find out."

Loki shook his head at the mortal. "As interesting as your petty secrets are," He spoke, "May I ask why you brought me here?"

Tony shrugged again, leaning heavily on the counter. Loki presumed that if he carried on in a similar manner, the man would be intoxicated before ten in the morning.

"I was bored."

"And having me here was supposed to help because...?" Loki prompted, raising a delicately black brow.

"Aren't you the God of Mischief or something?" Tony asked. "Entertain me."

Loki stared at Tony dubiously. "I have a feeling that my sense of good entertainment differs slightly from yours."

"Being?"

"Well I did rather enjoy invading your planet all those years ago."

Tony rolled his eyes. "Fine Reindeer Games. If you want to be a party pooper, be my guest. But the Pirate will never find out if we do something awesome. You have to have _something_ that we can do that doesn't involve world domination."

Loki gave a somewhat evil smile.

"Or mass murder, genocide, unnecessary destruction, slight psychopathic-ness, major egocentric-ness, or that god-forsaken helmet of yours in any way," Tony quickly listed off, double checking to make sure that he hadn't miss anything.

"Well who's the party pooper now?" Loki muttered, sinking farther into the sofa, and clasping his hands in front of his chin in a look of contemplation. "Define unnecessary destruction."

"Loki shaped craters in my floor," Tony glared deadpan at the god who simply rolled his eyes.

"Trust me, I would've avoided that one if I could have."

"Uh-huh."

Loki rolled his eyes and sighed. "Well, since you've listed off anything that could be slightly amusing, and since you take up all the egocentric-ness in the room yourself, it appears that we are back where we started. You really didn't think this through, did you?" Loki criticized Tony, who simply shrugged.

"To be honest, we're lucky if I figure out step two in a plan before I finish step one," Tony admitted. "Is there like a refund price I could get for you? You are way more boring than your title makes you out to be. It's like cough and cold medicine that claims to last eight hours, when it actually only lasts for four," Tony declared. "Disappointing. If I wanted the four hour medicine, I would've bought it. Talk about false advertising."

"If you're quite done now," Loki murmured standing up, I think I shall read a book."

"Wait!"

Loki turned questioningly at Tony's demand. He nearly jumped at the fervour that had settled in Tony's eyes.

"Let's have a snowball fight."

"A snowball fight?" Loki asked. "Isn't that a game for children?"

" _Children?!"_ Tony gasped, nearly choking on his next inhale of the alcohol. "It's an earthen _tradition!_ Come on. We're gonna go find Bruce and have a snowball fight. Jay? Prepare the walk in freezer."

"Right away Sir," The AI responded automatically.

Loki was still skeptical though, to say the least. "I'm not sure having a fight of any kind with the Doctor would be wise," He muttered. "I thought you said that you wanted to _avoid_ Loki-shaped craters in your Tower."

"Relax," Tony told him. "It'll be fun. I promise Bruce won't smash you again," He grabbed his coat from the closet. "So long as you don't anger him," He added as an afterthought.

"Because it's always that simple," Loki rolled his eyes. Tony offered him a coat, but the god refused.

"Suit yourself," Tony shrugged, sliding into his own parka, and fiddling with the zipper. "I swear," He grumbled as he tried to do his fluffy coat up but to no avail. "Zippers are the stupidest invention ever."

Loki watched in amusement as he struggled. "I thought you were supposed to be a genius."

"I _am_ a genius," Tony replied through gritted teeth as he finally managed to do the coat up with a triumphant hoot. "But zippers are just evil. They fall under _that_ category."

"That category being?"

"Oh, you know," Tony waved off, turning to walk down the hall, but more or less waddling due to the restrictions of his coat. "The category that's too evil to be labelled. The same category that Pepper's meatloaf, you, and Justin Bieber fall into."

Loki only shook his head at Tony's antics. He followed Tony through the many halls of Stark Tower, only to round a corner to see the Doctor waiting outside of what Loki presumed was the freezer.

"Hey Tony, hey Loki," Bruce smiled warmly at the both of them. Despite how often Loki had grown accustomed to seeing Banner, he still was wary of the Doctor. He never knew when the crazy, green, rage-monster would show its face. "Jarvis said you needed me and that it was urgent."

"Loki's never had a snowball fight," Tony answered as he struggled to give a retinal scan as the giant coat got in the way. Banner narrowed his eyes at his fellow scientist.

"Aaaand...?"

"So we're going to have one," Tony declared.

Bruce raised a quizzical eyebrow at Tony. "You realize right that we're in New York," Bruce pointed out slowly. "In the middle of summer, right?"

"Watch and learn, Bruce. Watch and learn," Tony smirked as the freezer doors finally swooshed open. Bruce and Loki gaped at what lay within.

Tony's freezer had been turned into a winter wonderland. It really should have been expected from the Billionaire, but it was still a sight to see. At least a good foot of snow had gathered on the icy cement floor, and icicles hung from the ceiling. The room had been brightened with special ceiling panels, that made it seem as though they were outside.

"Taa-Daa."

"Tony," Bruce gawked. "When you said you had everything, I didn't realize that you meant your own _winter wonderland!"_

"Yes well, I didn't want to let all of the cats out of the bag," Tony flashed his cocky smile. "Just Loki."

"Haha," The god deadpanned, stepping inside the freezing environment. "Let's just get this over with."

"My pleasure," Tony smiled, pushing Bruce inside before stepping in himself. As soon as the three of them were in, the doors swished shut, blackness encasing them as the lights went out.

"Tony?" Bruce asked warningly.

"Ten seconds until the war begins," Jarvis's crisp accent rang in the bleakness. "Ten."

"Tony you should let me out," Bruce warned.

"Nine."

"For once I agree with the Doctor," The nerves were audible in Loki's voice.

"Eight."

"Stop being babies, and find yourself a fort!"

"Seven."

"I really don't want to be used to create another crater."

"Six."

"I don't want to be the one to use _him_ to destroy the building either."

"Five."

"I swear Stark you better turn these lights on right now or I'll turn you into a frog."

"Four."

"He deserves a worst fate than a frog. Can't you do worms or something?"

"Three."

"Maggots are easier. He's pretty much already one."

"Two."

"True, true."

"One."

In a whirlwind of light, Jarvis finally returned visibility. But rather than the serene scene of before, laser beams of multi-colors decorated and sliced the room, a smoke machine had turned on somewhere, and Shoot to Thrill started blaring through hidden speakers.

"DIE!"

Both Loki and the Doctor were hit with an onslaught on icy snowballs before they could even figure out where Tony had ran off too. They sputtered indignantly, as they wiped the snow from their faces.

"Cheater!" Bruce called. "Unless you have a bioelectric arm, no human can throw at that speed! You're using a snow ball gun!"

"I warned you to find a fort!" Tony shouted back, before joining in completely off-tune with the chorus of the song. " _Cause I, shoot to thrill. Play to kill. Too many women, with too many pills, I say!"_

Needing no more incentive, Loki left the Doctor, diving behind a decent sized pile of snow. He pushed some more up onto it, gathering the cold powder of Jounheim into a ball similar to what he had been hit with.

He jumped up, saw Tony's hunching figure in the strobe light cowering behind his own fort, and tossed with god-like precision. The snowball hit Tony square in the jaw.

"Ha! Take that Stark!"

"You wanna play it that way?" Tony turned his full attention to Loki. "Bring it! I'll still take over your fort!"

"No you shall not!" Loki yelled back over the blaring base line. "I'm a King! This fort shall stay mine!"

Tony dodged one of Loki's snowballs. "We're playing by my rules Rudolph," Tony grinned, pulling out another snowball gun and taking aim. "Which means I always win."

"I do what I want!" Loki shouted back, hurling the snow at Tony.

"Oh yeah?" Tony taunted. "And what do you have that I don't?"

Loki gave a sardonic smile and a chuckle. "A stiff upper lip!"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means," Loki tossed another killer snowball, "I'm more focused. More precise."

"God is that some bad guy mantra or something?" Tony shouted over the music with another onslaught of snowballs. "Practice that in front of the mirror much?"

"Every night before bed!" Loki shouted back.

"Hey! That's my pickup line!"

"Hasn't been working very well for you lately, has it?" Loki shot back, another snowball chasing his words. He shook off the numbness in his hands, wondering where the Doctor had gone off to.

"At least I'm not a full-tilt Diva!"

"Oh no," Loki agreed. "But tell me. How is your ego the size of Jupiter, when you hardly reach five feet tall?"

"I'm five four!" Tony argued. "And from what I've heard, you're supposed to be a giant. Since when are giants only six feet tall?"

"You know nothing mortal!" Loki yelled. He threw another flying hazard at Tony, giving a yelp of satisfaction as it hit its mark. "Where are your Avengers now?"

"Is that a rhetorical question?" Tony shouted back, wiping the snow from his face angrily. "Bring it on, Runt."

"Happily, Shorty."

"Guys!" For the first time since the whole fight had started, Bruce finally stood up from where he was hiding in the corner, walking in between the two, and making them begrudgingly hold their fire. "You're getting a bit carried away. I think we should all just-"

Tony threw a snowball.

You know. Because he's Tony.

The catapulted chunk of ice smack Banner right in the middle of his face. Tony's smile froze on his lips as he watched Banner twitch. Everything froze as Tony met Loki's eyes.

"Run!" Loki screamed, forgetting all his dignity as he ran from the room screaming like a four year old girl. Tony followed suit. "You imbecile!" Loki accused. "That was hands down the stupidest thing you could've done!"

"This coming from the guy who wears reindeer antlers into battle?"

" _They're goat horns!"_

"Enough bickering," Tony said. "More running."

"Completely agree with you there," Loki panted as he picked up the pace, just as he heard the familiar bone chilling roar of the Beast behind them. "Hey Tony?" Loki caught the Billionaire's attention.

"Yeah?" The obviously out of shape man answered, focusing more on running than actually listening.

"Remind me to strangle you once we're through with this."

"Gotcha," He replied. "Quick, in here."

Tony directed them into a room. As soon as they entered the door locked, and Tony slouched against the wall.

"What is this place?" Loki directed to Tony.

"Safe room," He said. "Not even old Bruce can get into here."

Loki sank to the floor in relief. "Remind me never to partake in one of your activities ever again."

"Don't tell me you didn't have fun," Tony scoffed.

Loki let a small smile slip. "It might've been better than Therapy sessions. Might have been."

Tony let out a maniac grin.

"Awesome," He laughed. "Wait till you try paintballing."


End file.
